" Whenever i meet a Finn , unconsciously I try to present myself in a way which proves that I am not the kind of person that is written in my face here "
Raiskaaja = Rapist
Ähly = Slur word for a Middle Eastern
Matu=Invader , someone who forced themselves into Finland and are not welcome
Terroristi - Terrorist
Karvakäsi : Direct translation : " hairy arm " , a slur word for Middle Eastern men
Yes , have hairy arms Yes Middle Easters people have done horrible things hem But behind all those words , who am I?
The so - called refugee crisis changed the social atmosphere radically. I feel like I am just a number not a person.
When I got my residence permit in Finland, I went to a pub alone to celebrate , I was just sitting and enjoying my drink , when middle - aged Finnish man came up to me and shouted ''You are here just to take our women!'' and then tried to punch me . This was my ''Welcome to Finland '' party . Now whenever meet a Finn, unconsciously I try to present myself in a way which proves that I am not the kind of person that is written in my face.
" I am afraid that I will never be accepted in the culture the way I am , and that I must wear a so - called ' good girl'disguise forever.''
قەحپە {Qahpa} - Whore
سەرخۆش { Serkhosh} = Drunk
خیانەتکار {Xianatkar } Cheater
بەڕەڵا { Berallal }= Direct translation could be : A person who has no social attachment , a " street person
بێ ناموس { Be namus } Honourless
دەستی دوو { Destidu } - Second hand and used , only applied to women , it indicates that women are considered property.
For women , all these words are usually used as a way to control their behaviour , especially their sexuality and to slut shame them . These words are used to judge Western women because , generally , Western women do not live according to the same standards of modesty as required These judgements make me feel sick to my stomach , angry and afraid to visit the Middle East . However , when I think about Rewan's close family and how well they have always treated me . I am reminded that not all people think like this Nonetheless , I am afraid that I will never be accepted in the culture the way I am , and that I must wear a so - called " good girl " disguise forever .
" They question how I , as a man , can accept a woman who does not meet this standard of modesty and submissiveness that is required of women in our culture . "
گەواد ( gawad ) Direct translation : Pimp , has a very negative connotation . It refers to men who are challenging patriarchal masculinity , e.g. by treating women as equals , not being able to take care of his family " , or not protecting and defending his female family members ' sexual reputation . Gawad can be used eg , for a father , a brother or a husband of a female who is seen as a whore in the society .
بێ شەرەف ( Besharaf ] = Direct translation : Dishonourable and un respectable , used more often for men for challenging patriarchal masculinity the same way as gawad is used , but also for being a traitor of a national , cultural or ethnic identity e.g. by becoming at spy for the enemy in a war .
Generally , in my culture I am judged for being in a relationship with Saara for three years already and living together without being married . It is seen as sinful and socially unacceptable .
In general , people think that being with a Western woman is just temporary fun and means nothing serious . There are these gendered double standards that , as a man , I usually don't get shamed for living freely , for smoking , drinking , having sex and so on , whereas my girlfriend does . I have even been asked whether she was a virgin or not when we met . This question would not be asked of a man . They question how I , as a man , can accept a woman who does not meet this standard of modesty and submissiveness that is required of women in our culture . The worst was when a close person told me as a joke that when I bring Saara to my home country , I am going to share her with everyone .
How they see me in my own culture
" We have stepped out of the line for being property of white . Finnish men and therefore they see us as traitors and judge us as whores . "
Matupatja- Direct translation : Mattress for invaders . Used especially for women who are together with or are friendly with non - white men.
Suvakkihuora- Direct translation : Tolerant whore . Usually used in general for any Finnish woman who is defending or showing acceptance towards non - white men or even just defending human rights and welcoming refugees in Finland .
These insults indicate that somewhere deep in the patriarchal roots of our culture , women are still seen as the property of men . And when we are with someone who is not a white Finn , we have stepped out of the line for being the property of white Finnish men and therefore they see us as traitors and judge us as whores .
" As a couple we are a bridge between the two cultures "
Rewan is from Kurdistan ( Iraq ) and Saara is from Finland
We are demonstrating that we can live together when we are willing to have open dialogues , accept differences and work against the oppressive and toxic sides of both of our cultures .
Even though our cultures , mother tongues and our skin colour are different , we feel that we are the same .
Those external differences do not weigh a thing compared to the weight of how deeply we connect on a mental level : how similar our mindsets , values and worldviews are . Cultural differences are always negotiable when you are in love with someone . The words on our faces describe attitudes in our cultures that are directed towards us . These insults are often silent thoughts or whispers behind our backs , but are rarely told straight to our faces so we voiced them ourselves .
" Where I come from , when you bring a white woman home , she is like a goddess . "
Stanley is from Nigeria and Madara from Latvia .
Stanley : Where I come from , when you bring a white woman home , she is like a goddess . Here , when a black man is dating a white woman , everybody thinks it is just about getting papers . They don't think that this guy might love this lady and maybe this lady loves this guy , only papers . But for me , I do not care where I marry from . What matters to me is that I am happy .
Madara : First my family only knew that I have a boyfriend , but when I told them that he is black and from Nigeria, it was a shock for them . In the beginning the situation was kind of terrible and crazy . Even my best friend told me that I am stupid , and I don't know what I'm doing . But I had inside this feeling that Stanley is the right person for me so people can say what they want , I don't care , I want to be happy .
" We would want to be seen as just another neighbouring couple , just a normal family , like everybody else . "
Lassi is from Finland and Vigny from Congo. grew up and lived most of her life in South Africa .
Vigny : In Africa I'm just a girl , here in Finland I'm a black girl . And because I'm married to a white man in a wheelchair , globally in people's eyes I'm a whore. If I was a white woman , then maybe they could think it's marriage out of love , but since I'm a black woman , married to a white man , and especially a white man in a wheelchair , I'm nothing but a whore .
They think as soon as I get my documents here , I will run away . And now we have been married for six years . I am still here .
We would want to be seen as just the other couple , just the other neighbours , just a normal family , like every body else .
" I never know if it is because of how I look , or if it is because they are thinking ' Oh , he is gay , he is an Arab , he is a Muslim . "
I is an Arab Muslim and L is a Finnish Christian . They want to be anonymous because I is still closeted and concerned about the consequences of coming out .L was also afraid to come out but after a long process he eventually did it in his 30s
I : I became more self - conscious, now I am thinking all the time that if anyone looks at me for more than three seconds , then there has got to be a reason why they are staring at me . I never know if it is because of how I look , or if it is because they are thinking " Oh he is gay , he is an Arab , he is a Muslim .
L : When I came out more publicly , I thought that finally all the taboos have been broken . I'm going to be together with some Finnish Christian guy , and that's going to be fine , but then when I started to date him it was like ... " Oh no , now I have to break another taboo and I have no idea how my Christian family and friends are going to take it.''
Hồng Cơ and Natalie
" They are asking me : " You're really into Asians , right ? "
Hóng Ca is from Vietnam , raised in the Czech Republic , and Natálie is from Czech Republic.
Hóng Ca: My parents told me that they didn't mind Natálie as a person , but they just want me t have a wife who can take care of me in a Vietnamese way . In Vietnamese culture , women should always cook for their men.
Natálie : When you tell people that you like Asia and then you have an Asian boyfriend , people assume it is only because you are into Asia " and not because you actually like the guy . For example , they are asking me " You're really into Asians , right ? "
" In Finland , if I'm just in the company of a man , I might be commented on as ' a catch' in the sense that , as a Latin American woman , they see me inherently as a whore.''
Laura is from Colombia and Tommi from Finland
Laura : As a woman my age , I am a complete failure in my culture . I am unmarried . I don't have children and I'm not rich . So in their eyes I made things right when I started to date Tommi . They see being with him as such an achievement , because there is this stereotype that white people have money . In Finland , if I'm just in the company of a man , I might be commented on as " a catch " , in the sense that , as a Latin American woman , they see me inherently as a whore .
Tommi : When we started to go out , Laura told me : " Don't you see how people are looking at us " I didn't even recognise it , but then started to think about it and you still can see it sometimes But normally I don't even think about it .
Theo and Neea
" If I do not talk , I kind of feel undercover , because I could be a Finn.''
Theo is from the Netherlands and Neea from Finland .
Theo : When I was looking for a job for the first time here in Finland , often when they found out that I speak English , it was a problem . Even for jobs that I am am overqualified for , and that could be done using only English , they still want me to speak Finnish . But even though those experiences of discrimination , I feel quite welcomed here in general . And if I do not talk , I kind of feel undercover , because I could be a Finn .
Neea : In Dutch culture I feel pressure about socialising . I need my personal space , but when I am there I need to be with people all the time . There it is not so normal to take time for yourself . But at the same time I also like the family culture the Dutch have, that everybody is so close with each other and spend time together.
